September Update
What a crazy month September was for me! Spoiler alert: I am no longer discerning with Maryknoll. On Labor Day, I moved into Maryknoll’s Discernment House in Alief as planned. It started out very calm and peaceful, and I even did a lawn makeover at the house! Most of my life centered around Ascension Chinese Mission, which is very close to where I was living. This Mission is full of love. I was pleasantly surprised to find Jesus in the people of God, in their hospitality and service to me. The young adults in particular are a vibrant part of that community, and I was impressed by the way they journeyed together, even in a Bible study a week ago. They listened to each other and to the Spirit during this Bible study and were vulnerable in a way I am not used to among Young Adults. This was a beautiful witness of what the Holy Father means when he speaks of a “synodal Church.”
Fr. Rodger, the pastor of Ascension Chinese Mission, is a missionary priest from China to the USA (How about that???). His love for the Lord and others impacted me greatly. I was blessed to have several meals with him and Fr. Rodrigo at several great Asian restaurants and at Fr. Rodger’s home. Father Rodrigo, Fr. Rodger and I even made it to a Strake Jesuit vs. Elsik football game right by the house last Friday. It was a blessing to see some of the students I had taught, even though they were quite depressed after they (barely) lost the game. My first Sunday Mass at Ascension, Fr. Rodger asked the congregation for someone to tutor me in Chinese, and immediately a parishioner named Ning Ning volunteered to help me. She taught me about eight lessons, but time went by quickly, so I am not sure. She did this sacrificially, and it was very humbling and a concrete act of love and service to me. Studying Chinese this past month was a great blessing to me as I have always loved Chinese culture and the language. I also was told about acupuncture by several people throughout my stay, so I went ahead and tried it. I am cautiously optimistic as I have not had to take any Western medicine for the past three or so weeks. The four moments I sat in a dark room for about forty-five minutes with needles all over my body were powerful times of prayer, healing, and encounter with Jesus. I really sense he has healed me mentally and physically in ways I was not expecting through the hands of Dr. Tang.
I was blessed to meet several Maryknoll priests and volunteers. One of the most important encounters was when I helped lead a reflection with a small group of Maryknollers based on an article written back in 2007 by Fr. Joe Fedora, a Maryknoll priest. The article was from when he was serving the sick and dying with HIV in Peru. He wrote a beautiful reflection inspired by Incarnational, Franciscan, and sacramental theology on a moment when he gave a back rub to a dying elderly one named Olga. It brought me to tears and melted my heart. I found that the Lord was clarifying a desire of mine through reflections and experiences like these. I notice that when I get my hands dirty to serve, not navel gaze, not get caught up with Church politics, I come alive, feel whole, and forget myself. Before we had read Fr. Joe’s story about Olga, we prayed a prayer written by a famous Fr. Walsh of Maryknoll said something to the effect of: “I pray to be a prophetic witness, to be no one, among the nobodies of the world, and to be nowhere as far as the powerful of the world are concerned.” It solidified the desire in my heart, not in my flesh–I can tell you that for sure–that I want to be no one, have nothing, be with the nobodies, where no one cares. I am convinced that will be my salvation because that is where I personally find Jesus especially.
The low point of my month was when I had to have a difficult conversation with the Vocations Director and it did not go well and a shift occurred in my relationship with him. I also felt I was being pushed out of discerning with Maryknoll in my heart and in small things I observed from others, so my heart was preparing me for what was to come. I did not understand what was going on. I started listening to a lot of Pastor Joel Osteen and reaching out to family and friends (i.e., going back to my roots, to my Galilee), and also speaking with my spiritual director about how I was feeling and what I was going through. The talks were about forgiveness and God opening and closing doors. I did not know what was going on, but I started looking into other groups like the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal (CFRs). Moreover, I watched a documentary on them that made me cry because of how personally they loved and saw the poor.
Why the CFRs? My logic in every group I have discerned has been to follow providence (where I live, the priests I have met and with whom I served). Since I started my discernment two years ago, I have not gone on a long search of different religious groups and dioceses like a dating website. There have been a handful of orders and priests that I have had the pleasure of knowing. One of the first was a Maryknoll priest at a Vocations Discernment Retreat. I also did Mission Work with the CFRs in Nicaragua and met one while in seminary at Holy Rosary Parish in Houston. I thought well they have a similar charism to Maryknoll, but that they were a bit more intense, kerygmatic and charismatic than Maryknoll. I told myself, “Maybe the reason I have avoided them is because they scare me, especially the way they live out the vow of poverty.” I had sent an inquiry form and information sheet several months back while at St. Mary’s, but the meetings never lined up, so I moved on. Last week I looked at old emails from them, and saw an empty slot to meet with the one of the vocations directors almost sneakily in about four or five days.I had a sense if nothing happened God would speak to me. I did not tell Maryknoll’s Vocation DIrector, but did tell my spiritual director. It seemed like a providential opportunity.
My spiritual director and I met last Tuesday and I told him some of the things I was seeing at the Discernment House (in particular, being pushed away), and he wisely told me not to think too much of it. I say “wisely” because I have a tendency to be very aware of changes in relational dynamics and to naval gaze. A clear moment where the Holy Spirit seemed to speak to me was when I said, “I am putting Maryknoll on the altar.” I cried when I said that and felt a deep pain but a deep peace, and the Spirit speaks to me that way sometimes. I confessed and went back to have lunch with Fr. Rodrigo. I had a sense of foreboding about the meeting, a bit like a small Calvary was going to happen, but I had a deep peace and joy.
When I got back Fr. Rodrigo and I had a great lunch and talked about some global issues. Then, we set down to touch base and talk about our week as we had planned several days before. I realized I had a beautiful week. The previous week I taught three English classes to migrants, met Fr. Alfonso (a solid Markynoll priest), went to a Strake Jesuit football game, taught a formation class to the altar servers at my parish, and gave a small talk on the charisms of the Holy Spirit at my young adult group. I was also blessed to attend the young adult bible study at Ascension based on The Chosen. Someone even donated 1000 dollars toward my debt and another person 100 dollars! I also had been feeling God’s closeness to my heart like I had not in a long time.
After I shared all of this, Fr. Rodrigo shifted the conversation. He told me, after speaking with his Vocation team in New York about me for the past months, he did not think I was in the right place to discern with the Society, that I had some healing I needed to go through. He graciously gave me some money and invited me to stay a couple of days to get my things together. The Lord gave me the grace to answer with love and understanding and to not be defensive. I felt the most prudent thing would be to leave immediately, so I went to my mom’s and was there about two hours later. She spoke lots of life over me and even a prophetic word. She would later say that the Lord is crushing me to make new wine to be poured out at the right time. I mourned the loss and almost immediately began to prepare my resume and look for jobs. I thought maybe I could go back to Strake Jesuit or become a youth minister. Something in me, though, felt like it was going back and ignoring the discernment I had been going through the past couple of years.
I was able to go stay with my dad Thursday to house sit. Before he went on a trip, he paid for me to get some new tires (I did not realize they were that bad!), took me to lunch, and gave me some money with the transition. He also gave me some good feedback and affirmed me. I had friends from all periods of my life affirming me and comforting me through this. I have always thought it is important to get feedback and counsel from friends and family and try to hear God’s voice through them.
I was able to have a phone call with the CFR Vocations Director, Brother Angelo, and we talked for over an hour. What a clear example of synodality: the whole time we were both listening to each other and to the Spirit; our conversation was one long prayer. He told me my file had been sitting on his desk for several months (I had reached out to them when I was discerning between the diocesan and missionary priesthood but gave up). He said that does not normally happen because they have a lot of applicants. He made it sound like God wanted us to meet and it was providential I sneakily signed up for a slot.
In spite of this act of God’s providence, to my surprise he said I would probably not be a good fit for them because I have struggled with anxiety. He said people who struggle with anxiety do not do well in their fraternal life. Even though I did not understand this in light of the providence of his having my file on his desk so long (I even pushed back in an email later on to see if he would close the door, and he did) he said it with clear love and peace. Towards the end of our conversation he prophesied over me that I have a special role in the Church like St. John the Evangelist. He said Jesus has a unique and tender love for me. He also said I have an exceptionally tender heart, more than most people, and my heart is a source of blessing but also suffering for me. It was such a blessed conversation, but it did not give me much light on what to do next.
This is the book I was reading that set my priestly discernment in motion. It is all about the priesthood and having a relationship with Jesus and Our Lady like St. John, the Beloved Disciple, did.
He did ask me about how sure I was that I was called to be a priest and I gave him an insecure reply that bothered me later on. I had to just do the next thing my heart moved me to do. I wrote up a vision for Strake Jesuit’s Pastoral Ministry Center and made a sales pitch for the job. I felt I needed to do that as a prayer regardless if it worked out, but my heart did not feel satisfied with the idea of me going back to how things were before seminary after I submitted the vision. My heart said, “I know what I discerned. I discerned priesthood and it was confirmed again and again. Stop doubting yourself. Stop naval gazing and focusing on what people think. I want to serve the Church, all I need is a home, not a perfect group. I just want to serve and become nothing.”
The next day I remembered the Society of our Lady of the Most Holy Trinity (SOLT). I do not know why I forgot about them! I worked alongside some of their members at the various retreats we would give when I taught theology and helped with campus ministry at St. John Paul II High School in Corpus Christi, TX. I looked at their website and found out they had a very similar charism to the other groups I had considered (Markynoll and the CFRs). I only have positive memories of the way they carried out ministry among the teens during retreats and in the classroom, though one did get on my nerves at times. They are a bit smaller and younger than Maryknoll but are all over the world, as missionary priests, sisters, brothers, and volunteers. Their charism is to live out Matthew 25, much like Markynoll and the CFRs. I reached out to their Vocation’s Director on Friday via email, and he got back to me about two hours later! We had a great conversation. He said that their North Dakota Mission really needs volunteers and that I could apply and serve there for several months to discern whether to apply to aspirancy with SOLT (aspirancy is a year of mission before beginning studies, normally in Belize).
It seems like this volunteer opportunity in North Dakota may work out and it would be crazy to me if it did because I was going to serve and live in El Paso as a volunteer for Maryknoll before I applied. I would still be on a border (probably this month), but the northern border with Canada! If it works out, my flesh definitely is not looking forward to the cold! I am excited about what could happen because it is clear to me that God is moving in my life and heart. One of my favorite quotes from Pope Francis is from his first encyclical, Lumen fidei:
“Faith is not a light which scatters all our darkness, but a lamp which guides our steps in the night and suffices for the journey. To those who suffer, God does not provide arguments which explain everything; rather, his response is that of an accompanying presence, a history of goodness which touches every story of suffering and opens up a ray of light” (art. 57).
I definitely resonate with the above words right now. I know God is with me and am just doing the “next right thing” and listening to his voice and the little bit of light he gives me through his Word. I still do not know what the past year has been about totally; he has not shattered all my darkness. I even feel a bit like Job at times in figuring out which seemingly good advice is not God’s voice for me (Job’s friends gave traditional wisdom literature explanations for what he was going through that were not actually true). Thank God, unlike Job, I have a plethora of friends and family that have spoken life over me, prophesied over me, and have consoled me with the consolation they themselves have received from the Lord (2 Corinthians 1:3-7).
So what’s Next? Well, I am doing UBER again, still teaching English to Migrants at Casa Juan Diego, going to events at my parish and helping with altar server trainings every Saturday. While I do these things I am waiting to hear back from SOLT and see if this all works out. Please pray I am docile to God. I also do not want to live in a defensive stance to what has happened to me but be focused on the Lord being my Helper, Savior and Redeemer. He truly makes all things work together for our good and has good plans for us (Romans 8:28; Jeremiah 29:11).
God has continued to bless me with generous donations. I have been able to raise over 3000 dollars in two months for my college loans. If you or someone you know would like to support me in my mission to serve the Church with my life, please direct them to my website (www.missionarykyle.com). They can also email me at kyleagibs@gmail.com if they want a physical mailing address or to meet up to give me a donation. I really need help in any way that is possible!
In Jesus’ Name,
Kyle
